…continued from here…
As the Christmas break loomed in front of me, I began to finally feel more confident in my teaching. I had more classes which seem to run smoother, not many more, but a few. A lot of these things though, in reflection, I really don’t think had to do with me.
First, in November our school’s cap on suspending students was lifted as we’d had our annual Title one attendance taken. Students who were extremely disruptive, even dangerous in the school were now out of school on long holidays. This meant that my classes were smaller, and that the most disruptive students were generally gone. It’s not fair for those students, but it made it a lot easier to manage the other 90%.
The second thing that happened is that my 10th grade students decided to declare a truce and finally admit defeat. They were neither going to make me quit, nor make me cry in class. I found out from one of them that they had successfully made 3 teachers quit the year before I started and were going for a 4th. This revelation actually made me feel better, I realized that some of their misbehaviour was deliberate and intended to destroy my self-confidence. Why did I feel better? Mostly just because it wasn’t entirely due to my bad teaching.
And my teaching was bad. I mean, you probably remember your first year, it was horrible. You did everything wrong! We all did. We lacked the experience necessary to do our jobs right. In some schools, the students are forgiving and will even make an effort to help you out. In others, such as the one I was in, the wolf pack instinct kicks in and the students go for your hamstring.
The third thing that happened during the semester, which always makes me sad when I think about it, is that kids started dropping out of school. My M$AA class (see an earlier post for the reference) started with 17 students by the beginning of the year. There was another similar class with 17 students as well. The second semester they combined these two classes, and by the end of the year I had 6 students who were still attending school. 6 students out of 34! The only advantage to this was the students who were still attending actually had SOME interest in learning and were more willing to participate. One of these students passed the state exam with a reasonably strong score for our school (he ended up in the honors stream the next year) and 3 others barely passed.
Finally, I think my teaching improved a bit. I started to experiment with a larger variety of activities. I used the time I had with my 10th grade students in the computer lab more wisely. My classroom management was better, etc… I finally had enough experience with my students that I was angry less often when they were disruptive.
Of all of the things which I do miss from my time in NYC, I am certainly glad I’m not angry all the time anymore. I used to spend at least an hour each school day angry at someone or just the system in general. I shouted at students in frustration, and even at coworkers. I was often very unpleasant to be around. Since I’ve matured and the teaching I do is in a much more student friendly environment, I am almost never angry not even when students are deliberately trying to antagonize me.
Life was starting to become bearable. That was until I sold my soul to save my job.